my sentense is...

So its just after Christmas 2012 and I think I am slowly losing my mind. This past fall I found out i have a condition on my neck that requires emergency surgery and I had to refuse it knowing it would lead to an even worse place and try and learn everything I could about this until my next appointment and what I have learned is not good. I could live with the fact that total and compete paralysis is inevitible..I can live with that. Its already happened to me at home twice. I regained function but its weird not being able to move or control your body. I can also live with the other horrors I face with this. What I am having the biggest trouble understanding and dealing with is the pain. I dont see why there has to be so much of that. People have preconcieved notions about people in pain. None of us wants to be in it yet here I am and I dont have self pity. I feel awful for my 21 year old son who must watch my decline knowing he faces the same future as this is genetic. i think he has it because he has symptoms. its called cervical spinal stenosis with myopathy and spinal cord lesions and my spinal cord is compressed to the point where my fucntion, which is all of it, breathing, heart beating, all of that, is in danger of being gone in the blink of an eye. a doctor told me well you will suddenly not be able to move or breath..and you will suffocate slowly and you wont be able to tell anyone. Yes a doctor actually said t his to me! This was the first time I was hearing I had this condition in my neck! and I am in total shock and anger because I had been in for neck pain so much how could this be missed? I left t hat hospital swearing I would not let any doctor touch my neck. they already ruined my lower back with surgery and now I know spine diseases run rampant in our family, even my son has it! Now we know that! I never should have had any surgery. i swore I would live out the rest of my life without ever having any kind of surgery on my spine again. I also have severe COPD and othe rlung disease and my life is a daily struggle with that, always making sure i have breathing medicines and making sure I take them. Surgery is very risky for someone in my condition. I  dont know whats going to happen to me. How can i put myself in a situation where I would likely die just from the surgery and leave my son behind?